Golden Nuggest

I have noticed, that although my blog as moved to a new site, I am still getting hits here at Blogspot. For those of you faithful readers, or those of you who have just stumbled upon this site, here is my latest blog post. To catch up on any posts you have missed, or to subscribe to my new site, please visit ClassroomConfessions.com today.

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Here are a few golden nuggets from random conversations that have occurred in my classroom recently.

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Student: Miss Lewis, have you ever seen the movie Stepbrothers?

Me: Funny you should ask because I have never seen it. I started to watch it on Saturday but never finished it. It was pretty stupid. It was funny, but I could actually feel myself getting dumber as I watched it.

Student: Really? You're gonna play that card? You're around us 8^th graders all day. What could make you feel dumber than that?

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I over heard this little gem while I was on the other side of the room entering my attendance.

Student: When I grow up, I’m going to be the sexiest man alive. You know it. The day I was born, was the day the world started breathing. I got it all. What don’t I have? I’m gonna be on stage rockin' my guitar with leather chaps and my big ‘ol happy trail. I’m gonna wear that everywhere I go.

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This morning, I decided to play a little joke on my students.

Me: So class. I was talking to Miss Smith next door and she told me that she was going to get some posters for her room. She also told me that some of you had the nerve to say, “Just as long as they’re not Justin Bieber posters like Miss Lewis has.” How dare you? That makes me think you don’t appreciate the things I do for you. I spend my own money to try to make this room look nice and student friendly and you criticize the way I do it?

Students: Look down at their desks tops not speaking.

Me: Setting a cardboard poster tube on the table. So this weekend, I went to every Walmart, every F.Y.E. and every Hot Topic and I bought every single Justin Bieber poster I could find. Look out kids because this room is about to get Bieberized. Starting with this gem… I stand back to unroll... the Official Hunger Games movie poster.

One student mumbled under his breath, "Oh my God. I think half the class just had a nerdgasm." Seriously? Where do these kids get this stuff

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A couple of weeks ago, while playing a game of Scattergories, the letter was “P” and one of the items on the list was “personality traits.” We went around the room and teams shouted out their answers.

Student 1: Patient

Student 2: Persistent

Student 3: Polite

Student 4: Ours is double points. A people pleaser.

Me: That’s really good. All of your answers are good.

Student 4: (muttering to his classmates) Yep, I please you for $3.99 an hour.

Me: Really?

Student 4: Ummm... ummm...

Me: $3.99 an hour? You’re cheap.

Student 4: (chuckling) Oh. I thought I was going to be in trouble.

Me: Well, it sounds like you're already in enough trouble if you’re only charging $3.99 an hour.

Student 4: Miss Lewis…

Me: What? I’m just saying, your services must not be very good.

Holy American Classic Novelist Batman!

Today I introduced the vocabulary words for our next short story, taken from Mark Twain’s memoir, “Roughing It.” I explained how Mark Twain was a famous American author who wrote classic novels including The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn. I reminded students that Mark Twain lived before television and internet, and how in those days, people had to read the newspaper to learn about what was going on in the world.

We proceeded to use our vocabulary words to complete the following sentences about Mark Twain:

As a young man, Mark Twain held a wide array of jobs.

Twain claims to have taken news stories and made them more sensational.

Twain preferred to earn his livelihood as a writer that as a miner.

It was more tolerable to write about hay than to work in a coal mine.

...At this point a student raises his hand...

Student: “So did Mark Twain do all of this before he decided to be Batman?”

Me: “Like I said, Mark Twain was a writer. You’re thinking of Bruce Wayne.”

A child only a mother could love

Today we were having a nice discussion about The Monkey’s Paw and the magic of irony. We discussed how messing with fate was destined to end badly for anyone who dared to use the cursed monkey's paw to make a wish.

In the story, the Old Man and Old Woman make their first wish for money to pay off their mortgage and keep their son out of debt. When the son dies in a tragic accident, the Old Man and Old Woman receive the money they had wished for, but as compensation for their son’s death. The second wish is made, and of course it is to bring their son back to life. During the night as their son makes his way back from the cemetery to their doorstep, the Old Man wizens up and makes the third and final wish for their son’s death.

Student: “That’s mean.”

Me: “If it makes you feel better, they didn’t wish to kill their son, they just wished that he didn’t have to come back all gross.”

Student: “So. It’s their son.”

Me: “You have to remember that he died by falling into machinery. Like you said before, he was all ground up like hamburger; the family couldn’t have an open casket. He has been buried for weeks, he had to climb out of his coffin and through six feet of dirt, and then he had to drag himself for miles back to his parents’ house. Now imagine that all of that had happened to you. Can you imagine what your body would feel like? Can you imagine what you would look like and smell like?

Student: “So. I don’t dress to impress.”

Me: “Well, I guess I can’t argue with that now can I?”

This post is brought to you by The Jersey Shore

How do I describe a day like today? For some reason the phrase “shit storm” comes to mind.

Block 1: Ok. 1st Block wasn’t too bad. I did have to confiscate several sheets of blank address labels. A student had stolen from the Science room (the teacher was gone and had a substitute) and had passed them out to several other kids who were now wearing them as mustaches. At the time I was really annoyed, but if I had known how the rest of the day was going to turn out, I would have let the whole class make fake mustaches and probably fake eyebrows as well.

Block 2: Tired of hearing the kids continuously break out into discussions regarding the crazy girl fight last week, I had to lay down the law. I reminded them that in my classroom, we do not engage in fighting and we do not talk about fighting. I told them if I catch them talking about school fights, they would have to call home and serve a lunch detention. A student responded:

Student: “What’s the big deal? It’s like 10 years later, and people still talk about 9/11.”

Me: “Don’t you dare compare a middle school girl fight to 9/11.” I was too frustrated to say anything else so I made the kids take a test.

Block 3: Although I made it through the Block without incident, as soon as I dismissed the class, all hell broke loose. In less than 5 seconds of the dismissal bell, I found myself diving through a crowd of 100 8th graders. I made it to the center of the chaos to find two girls on the floor. The 1st one was on her back on top of a teacher who had her restrained so she could no longer hit him. The 2nd girl, who is being pulled away by two other teachers, has both hands tightly gripped into the 1st girl’s hair. As the teachers begin to make some headway in separating the two, the 1st girl grabs the 2nd girl’s leg. The two teachers are now dragging all three of them down the hall while I am trying to hold back crowd. That’s when I notice a boy is repeatedly kicking the girl who is restrained. With one hand, I continue to hold back the crowd, while I pin the boy against the lockers with the other. He continues to kick her until I am able to get my body in between them. By then administration has arrived and I am off to write my 1st office referral of the day.

Block 4: (Students’ names have been changed to protect the innocent) After an… interesting day, 4th Block did not disappoint. Towards the end of the Block, I had a student go around and collect assignments. As I stood at the front of the room answering some questions I hear:

Student 1: “Well you’re DTF Jorge.”

At first I didn’t think much of it and the kids didn’t really react so I finished answering the question and gathered the assignments from my helper. As I’m straightening papers I hear:

Student 2: “Well you’re DTF Chavon.”

Student 3: “Well, you’re DTF Dylan.”

At this point I am at my desk with the papers. I set them down, flip open my laptop and google “DTF” (Now you have to understand, this whole process is taking approximately 30 seconds.

Just as a 4th student adds…

Student 4: “Well you’re DTF Miss Lewis”

… the results of my search pop up. "DTF= down to f—k, a phrase made popular by the MTV program, Jersey Shore." I can't believe it.

Student 4 and my eyes meet and I lose it. I slam both of my hands on the desk, casually walk to the center table, take a deep breath and I say “quite sternly”… yes let’s go with “sternly”…

Me: “This is what’s going to happen. I need to take a minute, so I am going to go over to my desk and write down a few names. If your name is on that list, you are going to be spending lunch detention with me today, tomorrow, Friday, and let’s just add all of next week as well. (Are you DTF with that?) Now, for the rest of the period, you are going to sit here in silence because I have some office referrals to write.” For the last six minutes, the only sound in the room came from my keyboard.

The only thing more uncomfortable than those 6 minutes, was listening to the students call their parents during lunch to explain what they had said during my class. One student was in tears before he even picked up the phone. Another one asked me, “How do I explain this in Spanish?” My response was, “Honey, you could probably say it in English and I’m sure there’s at least one word your mother will recognize.” While she talked to her mother, she had to hold the phone half a foot away from her ear because her mother was yelling so loudly. As she went to slam down the phone in mid conversation, I grabbed the phone and said, “You do NOT hang up on your mother!” She looked at me and mumbled, “Um, my mom was so mad that she just hung up on me.”

Words that start with O

I spent most of last week at a professional development conference in Atlanta- hence the absence of recent postings- but I'm sad to say that, upon my return, it didn’t take long to get back into the swing of middle school life... especially when I overhear conversations in the hallway like this:

Administrator: “So, do you think you can do that?”

Student: “No.”

Administrator: “No? You don’t think you can do that?”

Student: “No.”

Administrator: “Really? You can't? You can't make sure that in your science class you say ‘organism’ instead of ‘orgasm’?”

Student: “Hee hee hee. No.”

Ah, it’s good to be back.