Snooki called... she wants her hair back

Lately, I have been fighting my desire to walk around smashing all of the Snooki bumps the girls have been sporting. Today, a girl walked into my classroom with a towering bump on the top of her head. I wasn’t the only one to notice its majestic height.

Student 1: “Wow. What’s with the lump on your head? That’s ridiculous.”

Me: “Actually, when it’s in a girl’s hair like that, it’s called a bump. I’ve noticed a lot of Snooki bumps lately.”

Student 1: “But man. That’s huge. That’s a huge lump.

Me: “A bump. It’s a bump.”

Student 2: “No, it’s okay Miss Lewis. It was a bump, but then I snagged it on the door and now it’s huge and I don’t know how to get it to go back down.”

Playing Monopoly and renting prostitutes

One of my teaching highlights is reading out loud to my students. I usually pick a novel that I know they have not read, and read a little bit to them each day after their warm up, or while we wait for the dismissal bell.

Currently I am reading Rules of Survival by Nancy Werlin. It is the story of three kids, who fight to be rescued from the life they live with their crazy mother. Today we learned that wackadoo mom had hooked up with her new boyfriend, for the sole purpose of getting him to beat up her last boyfriend.

“Emmy, there was no possible way to protect you from hearing that our mother had hooked up with and seduced a stranger, a large man, intending to get him to do physical harm to her ex-boyfriend.”

One particular word got the attention of a young male student which lead to the following debacle.

Student 1: “What? Now Miss Lewis, what do you mean ‘seduced’?”

Me: “Well, it means she used her sexy ways to get her boyfriend to do things for her.”

Student 1: “Man, that’s messed up. She be using her sexy business like that.”

Student 2: “Sexy business? Was she like a prostitute?”

Me: “No. Mom is not a prostitute. We know from what we’ve read that Mom likes to party a lot, and she has a lot of boyfriends, but none of them last very long because she is crazy.”

Student 1: “Oh like that movie Milk Money. Those boys all ride bikes a lot and collect money so they can rent a prostitute. That movie was tight.”

Me: “No. Not like that movie. No one in our story is a prostitute. Mom meets people that she can manipulate, and a lot of the time those people are men. She met this guy, then used her sexy ways to get what she wanted, which in this case, was for him to beat up her ex.”

Student 3: “Oh I know what you mean. It’s like when my aunt and uncle play Monopoly. My aunt... well... if my uncle lets my aunt win then she...”

Me: “STOP TALKING!”

Student 3: (Whispering) “She lets him have a little something.”

Me: "I SAID STOP TALKING! NOW!!!"

Thanks for being awesome... or not

On the back wall of my classroom, I have a “Wall of Awesome.” This is where I post work containing written responses to short answer test questions that reflect my expectations for my students. These responses A. actually answer the question being asked, B. are written in complete sentences, and C. make sense.
These are some of the responses that did not make the cut.

Q. What are two things that Charlie does after the operation that show he is a genius?

A. What are lood think that he show after the operation that show that he a genius he is think and showing his feelts.

A. He approves on his reading.

A. He win to the mouse, and starts to speel right.

A. He proves his writing.

A. He read a book in 4 days. It was a big fatty.

A. He remember and a think.

A. starting to use big words, and

Q. How does Charlie’s understanding of his past cause him to feel sad or ashamed? Use two details from the story to support your response.

A. He feel that he didn’t like he mad good choses because he not starmt it make him fell bad about himself.

A. He rliza how people mad fun off him.

A. He was made fun of hes made fun of when hes a genius.

These answers came from the first few tests I graded. After reading these, however, I had to set the rest aside and not look at any more for a couple of days –I didn’t think my brain could take it. Tonight I plowed through the remaining 70 tests and I am proud to say, that after that first batch, they showed great improvement.

Miss Lewis, you got served... detention

Yesterday the unthinkable happened. I got a detention. Yep, it’s true. I felt just like I was in Middle School… oh wait… I never got a detention in Middle School. In my entire lifetime, I have received three detentions; one in 2nd grade, one in 4th grade, and now one as an 8th grade teacher.

In 2nd grade, while I was standing in line at the drinking fountain, one of my friends playfully stepped on my foot causing a foot stepping game to immediately ensue. As I raised my foot to step on his toes for the third time, I was quickly snatched out of line, by my ear I might add, while my teacher yelled in my face, “No toe stomping!” I was slapped with 30 minutes of recess detention. I remember going home and having to face my parents. They rolled their eyes at me.

In 4th grade I was playing a vigorous game of freeze tag at recess. I tagged a kid, but he didn’t freeze. I chased him down, yelling, “You can’t escape me!” and slapped him square on the back. Still, he didn’t freeze. Now I was mad. I caught up to him again. This time I pushed him to the ground, sat on him, then proceeded to bounce up and down, while yelling, “I tagged you and you know it.” At this point, the recess monitor looked over and made me “sit on the line.” I had to spend the next fifteen minutes sitting on the blacktop, with at least one of my body parts touching the yellow painted line that ran the length of the building. I got an additional five minutes for trying to hit a kid with my shoe for taunting me. My parents had a hard time keeping a straight face when I explained this one.

And now, in my 10th year of teaching 8th grade, I have received a 3rd detention. This week I had early morning supervising duty. Yesterday I was late… for the third day in a row. As I was making my rounds through the cafeteria, shooting the breeze with my kids, my principal called me over.

Principal: “Miss Lewis, we really need you here at 7:15.” (I had arrived to school at 7:22)

Me: “Yea. I know.”

Principal: “So we’ll see you bright and early tomorrow.”

Me: “Ok. No problem.”

Principal: “And we’re going to need you to come early next Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday as well.” (What??? Did I just get assigned three days of detention?) “So, no more hitting that snooze button.”

Me: “I’m working hard to reprogram my last 33 years of not being a morning person.”

Principal: “If you want, I can give you a call in the morning?… No?”

This morning I got to school at 7:05. I went to my classroom, straightened my desks, wrote the agenda on the board, and made sure I waited until 7:17 before reporting to the cafeteria. What can I say? I like living on the edge.

Please don’t make me call my parents.