Now that's what I call embarrassing

“BINGO!” A student calls from the back of the room as he holds up his vocabulary bingo card. I let him choose his prize: a high five from someone in the room, a joke from someone in the room, or see a dance move from someone in the room. Naturally he chooses to see a dance move… from me.

Before I can even finish my move, which can only be described as AMAZING, another student says, “Miss Lewis, please stop. You’re embarrassing yourself.” To which I respond, “Don’t be a hater. It’s okay to be jealous of my mad skills; most people are. Besides, it would take a whole lot more than this to embarrass me.”

That afternoon, I gave a little more thought to what she had said, and to be honest, I don’t really remember a time that I was truly embarrassed by something that was school related. Oh wait… there was that one time…

Setting: Polk County Convention Center, Downtown Des Moines.
Occasion: Professional Development for the entire Des Moines Public Schools District.

Upon arrival, teachers had to check in with their building administrators. My father, who was a high school principal in the same district, was sitting at his table checking in his staff. I stopped by with a few of my coworkers to chat with him for a bit. We then left to get coffee, but headed back his direction on our way to our first session. This time we walked behind the row of tables. As we discussed which session we were going to attend, I thought, “Oh, I should probably say goodbye to my dad.”

The next thing I know, I reach out my hand, rub his shiny bald head and say, “Have a great day…” As my hand makes contact, I instantly realize- wrong bald head. Yep. I had just rubbed a complete stranger’s bald head. My dad was two chairs over.

Trust me. I’ll take dancing in front on my students over that experience any day.

Mad Libs Gone Awry

I have recently come to the realization that a Mad Lib is more powerful than a Klodike Bar when it comes to 8th graders. My students will do anything if it means they get to do a Mad Lib at the end of class… and of course I milk this for all it’s worth. Transitions between activities have never been more smooth, silent reading time has never been more silent, answers written in complete sentences have never been so… well we’re still working on this, but my little gems really seem to kick it into gear if they see the Mad Lib tablet resting on my desk.

After a successful class period, I slap the word list on the projector, and the creativity starts flowing.

Me: Give me a noun, and make it a good one.

Students: a boot, a booger, a potato, a donkey, jumping… (clearly we still have some work to do when it comes to parts of speech).

Then I hear it; the most creative answer of all, an adjective noun combination, two words for the price of one.

Student: A blue waffle.

Me: Ooh. I like that. Look how we can add an adjective in front of our noun to make it be more creative.

As I start writing, the snickering begins and I to hear things like, “Oh my God, who said blue waffle?” and “I can’t believe she’s really putting that.” Then there is a horrified gasp from a group in the back, while a student up front asks her neighbors, “What’s a blue waffle.”

At this point, I know something is not right. My pen stops and I start to cross out my words.

Me: You know what. I can tell by your reactions, that this is not appropriate. I think we need to stick to something that is more suitable for class. How about a “park bench”?

Student: That’s probably a good idea. A blue waffle is disgusting.
This of course causes a barrage of, “What’s a blue waffle?” “I don’t get it.” “Miss Lewis, can you whisper to me what it is?”

All I can say is, “I don’t know what it is, but you can sure bet I will Google it when you leave and make a few phone calls to parents.”

Student: Just don’t hit Google images.

During my next class, I find a minute to sit in the corner, with my computer turned against the wall, crossing my fingers that nobody walks in or comes over to my desk and I Google “blue waffle.” I knew it was a bad sign, when most results were blocked from my school computer. I was able to see a partial link that read: Blue Waffle [bloo-wof-uh l] : A battered or infected lady cake of blue or green colouring, often brought about by extreme rammage to the female taco with …

Fantastic.

Clearly Confused

Never assume an 8th grader has any idea of what you are talking about. Example:
Me: So in a way, it was like she was making her own kind of Frankenstein.

Student: Oh, I know Frankenstein. This guy went to a party and he dropped his cocktail in the weeds. Then the weed caught on fire, the guy got high, and he invented Frankenstein.

Me: What? I guy got high and invented Frankenstein?

Student: Yea. When all the weed caught fire.

Me: Wait. What are you talking about? A guy was leaving a party and he dropped his cocktail.

Student: Yea

Me: And he dropped his cocktail in some weed that caught on fire causing the man to get high?

Student: Yea. There was weed all around and it caught on fire because he dropped his cocktail.

Me: Jamil, are you talking about a Molotov cocktail? Like the bottle with the cloth in it that you light and throw?

Student: Yea. A guy threw his cocktail in a bunch of weed and it caught on fire. Then he discovered Frankenstein. He was up in that tower, ringing that bell, with the big ‘ol lump on his back.

Me: Are you talking about the Hunchback of Notre Dame?

Student: Yea. Wait. What? I’m confused.

Me: Clearly

Current Events: Chilean Miners

So I’m sitting in my room getting ready for Parent Teacher Conferences, and a student decided to hang out with me to make some signs for our yearbook sales. While he was working I suggested we turn the TV on so we could follow the rescue of the Chilean miners. I turned the TV on, and the following conversation (and I use that word liberally) transpired

Me: Let’s see how the rescue is going. When you guys got out of class, they had just pulled out number 17.

Student: 17 what?

Me: They had pulled out 17 of the miners who were have been trapped underground. Don’t you know about the miners?

Student: Oh. No. I didn’t watch the news today.

Me: These guys have been trapped for 70 days.

Student: Oh yah. I know now. My brother texted me about that.
……
Student: So, why do they keep calling them minors? Why don’t they call them kids.

Me: They work in a mine. They are miners. M-I-N-E-R-S not O-R-S. 33 men were working in the mines and the entrance collapsed and they’ve been trapped underground for 70 days, and last night they started to pull the men out.

Student: Oh. I know what you mean now. Like that Sandra Bullock movie with Bradley Cooper and she fell in that hole.

Me: No. Not like that movie. That movie was stupid.
……
Me: Oh, you spelled lobby wrong.

Student: L-O-B-B-E-Y…Lobbeeee.

Me: Nope. Still wrong.

Student: Miss Lewis, do you like Twilight?

Me: Nope.

Student: Well I watched New Moon at my aunt’s house and it was like (He proceeds to reenact the scene where Bella starts bleeding and get’s thrown into the bookshelf… while talking so fast I couldn’t possibly understand him, then finishes with) and then I laughed. It was stupid

....
Student: Have you ever heard of the Die Hard series?

Me: Yep. Those are old.

Student: How old are you?

Me: 80. My subway diet keeps me looking young and fresh.

Student: Wow.

Me: I’m kidding. I’m not 80. I’m 32.

Student: Oh, I was going to say 80? You don’t look like you’re over 20.
....
Student: I want one of those. (in reference to the motorized scooter commercial) I want to run it down the stairs. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh…
....
Student: Look at this poster. It’s my second goodest one.

Me: Oh kid. Goodest? Your goodest one?

Student: Oh. I mean, my second one from being my best.
……
Student: How do you spell dodgeball? I need a drink. My throat’s dry.